TALLOW WRESTLING EXPLAINED,  FOR THE UNWISE,  THE UNWITTING AND THE PLAIN,  FULL ON WARPED,  LIKE THE REST OF THE LUNATICS THAT HANG AROUND ME.

Written Tuesday 04/08/2009

Tallow wrestling,  what a concept,  nude tallow wrestling (remember,  if something is worth doing,  it is worth doing nude),  even better,  nude heavyweight tallow wrestling.  Top shelf.  Add the requirement for hairiness,  and we believe we have a concept to take Pay Television by storm.

So what is it all about,  I hear everyone asking.  Firstly,  it is going to help if you are a little past warped in your sense of humour stakes,  no stiff upper lips,  we don't do that sort of thing here attitudes in my workplace,  which I might add is a productive,  happy workplace,  no bullying allowed,  or any of that sort of rubbish.  Everyone looks forward to the weekly, Friday morning meet and greet in a baby pool full of warm animal fat.  What else would you rather do as an ageing,  overweight,  hairy male?  Please,  cannot think of anything I would rather be doing to round out my week.

So firstly,  and strangely enough,  some of the young amongst us ask me what is tallow.  Tallow is a wonderful product with so many uses.  It is made from boiling the fat out of the dead animals at abattoirs.  There are a number of grades,  but we wrestle in food grade tallow.  Yep that's right,  food grade,  it's in your toothpaste,  it's in your soap,  it's in your margarine.  It is also in the "Tallow Wrestling Pool".  So you are ingesting it every day,  why not wrestle in it too.

Now this stuff goes off,  and I mean goes off.  There is nothing,  and I mean nothing that smells like this stuff when it goes off.  We call it rancid.  Now for a little visual.  Many years ago I was cleaning the sumps of our tallow tanks,  another job,  another era.  The outlet pipe was blocked,  so stupid me sat down,  looked up the pipe,  and poked some wire or something in there.  It came out with some pressure,  as I distinctly remember it.  Now I have been involved with some pretty ordinary smells,  I can certainly say,  there was this dead sheep at a bucks party once.... but that is another story,  and they get worse and worse these stories.  I got a right and proper bath in this foulest smelling liquid,  never smelt anything like it before,  or since.

I showered twice at work with truck wash,  and went home and showered and bathed several more times,  unable to remove the smell.  So I got my mower petrol out,  and got nude,  in my driveway and began to scrub the whole body with petrol on a rag.  Now this brought about some burning sensations in some areas that we won't talk about,  thank god I survived.  I got a tremendous headache from all the petrol fumes (people sniff this stuff for pleasure,  you have to be joking),  but while smelling like a garage workshop for a day or so,  I got rid of the worst smell I had ever encountered.

Anyway,  back to tallow wrestling,  at times when the truck is unloading and things go wrong,  the tanks overflow and a guy has to go in and turn stuff off,  getting this magnificent golden liquid all over him.  Some have commented that it is good for the skin,  and myself and this other weird man,  that has a licence to keep snakes in his house (I am thinking about putting one in my car,  just for company) gave birth,  well not literally,  to the concept of tallow wrestling,  and then of course,  nude,  heavyweight tallow wrestling.

We went on a massive advertising and recruitment spree,  and we have Mammal Fat Mick,  The Red Baron,  underweight but assures me that his fiery redheaded nature will make up for that,  the Silver Fox,  also underweight,  but oh so hairy,  but given his prowess on a footy field a few years back,  will be hard to handle when fully immersed in warm animal fat.  Mammal Fat Mick of course is the undisputed,  undefeated world,  nude heavyweight tallow wrestler,  but we are waiting the arrival of the 150 kilogram Colombian to take part in a bout,  we think he will be awfully hard to handle in a state of greasiness.  Of course we also have Mr Fatastic,  who has battled for the heavyweight title and hopes to team up with the big Colombian for a tag team extravaganza.

Then of course came the "Men of Tallow Calendar series,  now in their third print run as sales near 22.  This was borne at about 2am one Saturday morning,  at Gambaros.  I was out with some particularly bad men,  one of them a South African,  another  a former winner of the bachelor of the year competition,  hereby referred to as the male model from Gympie,  but at 60 kilos dripping with tallow,  doesn't make the wrestling grade (it was a work function)  again the African underweight but working on bulking up.  Very hairy though.  Anyway,  one of his marketing boys came up with the "Men of Tallow" calendar concept.  From there,  we have moved to the Golden Men of Tallow.  Catchy name.  I remember that night,  I issued some medical advice to an Aussie cricketer at the Gambaro urinals there at one stage,  I was a bit worried about him to say the least.  Urinals,  now there is another of my major bugbears,  love to do a feature on them,  but carrying cameras in to places like that might get me arrested,  but some of the design faults in these things are horrendous.  Some are really good,  however,  you will have to buy the book to get the full version.  After all,  young people read this site and I don't want them warping up too early.

Now,  the scary thing is,  if you think I am warped, and you really should,  nothing wrong with that,  keeps people at a good distance,    is the genuine interest I have had in this concept,  lots of people,  mostly women,  wanting to buy calendars,  and guys and women wanting to wrestle.  This I like,  but strikes me as strange indeed.

Just testament to the readership of the site,  I have been invited to a function in inner city Brisbane in the near future, well I probably invited myself,  but have been told I am only allowed to come if I promise with all my heart not to get naked and start a tallow wrestle with the Silver Fox mid program.  You will know if I have something planned,  I will have a bulk tallow tanker parked in the street,  and there will be a baby pool in the room!  Look out for it.  What a way to finish off a night.

So there you have it.  Nude Heavyweight Tallow Wrestling exposed.  Mothers are now saying,  what does this weirdo look like,  make sure you keep him away from football grounds Australia wide.  Fine idea that one.

IF IT IS WORTH DOING,  IT IS WORTH DOING NUDE